The Head, It’s Still Spinning…

This school year has been one of the nuttiest on record, and I only had ONE STUDENT. Pop over here to read about the crazy…

Here’s the list:

August/September: School starts during lots of wedding planning and parties.

October: WEDDING!!!

November: Host Thanksgiving

December: Hot water heater disaster, and so much Christmasing

January: Horrid colds for the whole family, surgery for me, pipe burst causing water disaster #2

February: Surgery recovery for me while we fix and put the game room back together from water disaster #2.

March: Gunnar and Kaytlin get engaged, HUGE party at my house.

I mentioned in that last blog post that things should slow down a bit and I just had to do the end of year senior stuff. Yeah. God laughed at that and threw me a curve ball.

March ended with our homeschool co op’s annual Gala (prom) and Senior Honors. It was bitter sweet to see my baby at her last prom. Time flew by. Dave and I got all spiffed up and were there for the senior honors part, then we headed home (as most of the parents do) and left the partying to the kids.

In April Gunnar finished up his Paramedics class and took and passed his National Registry test. He’s now officially a Medic! He worked SO hard for this and we’re so proud of his accomplishment! Kaytlin, who was in the same class he was, also passed and is also now officially a Medic. I very much wanted to throw a giant party to celebrate their accomplishment but that was not too happen. Things got a bit out of hand around here right about that time.

April is historically all about Show Tunes (an extra curricular activity Annika is part of through our homeschooling co op.) It was her final Show Tunes play. The class put on Thoroughly  Modern Milly and  Annika had the part of Miss Dorothy. She did an amazing job of course and I may have cried a little at the final scene. It is usually a very, very busy time with Annika at late night rehearsals (they don’t mess around, y’all. This is a production.) But things hit turbo the week all the late night rehearsals began, because my dad got sick.

On Thursday morning I got a call while I was on my way to teach my classes at co op telling me that they’d taken him via ambulance to the ER. He’d been choking on his food. I quickly called my administrator and told her I was not coming. She scrambled and got someone to cover me so I could head straight to the ER. I am so grateful for my friends at co op for jumping in and handling things for me so I could go be with my dad.

When I got to the ER he was so very altered. I’d just been to see him a few days prior and he’d been his normal self. He has been in the final stages Alzheimer’s disease for a year or so, so his ‘normal’ was nonverbal, but responsive. At the ER he was completely non responsive except to pain stimuli. It was so sad to see.

They admitted him and Friday was a day of tests. On Friday night his heart became erratic and they put him on meds to stabilize that. By late Friday night we knew we were nearing the end. It turns out he’d been aspirating about 40 to 60 percent of his food and had developed aspiration pneumonia. He was also septic. The Sepsis was affecting his heart. We were at the end.

It was a terribly hard time. It was now Saturday and I’d been at the hospital pretty much straight since Thursday morning. I did come home to sleep for a few hours at night, but other that that I’d been at the hospital and 100% unavailable for my family or anyone else. Annika’s final Opening Night was in a few days and my dad was dying. I was missing her important senior milestones, but I could not leave my dad. It was terribly hard.

By Saturday afternoon he’d been put on hospice. We just waited. We stayed at the hospital and talked to him, I read to him, held his hand, talked to the doctors and nurses as they came and went. Dave and the kids all came up and spent time with me during the day to keep me company, my mom and sister also were there, and other family members. Time just stopped really, while we watched my dad live out his final days.

On Wednesday night at 2:26 am my dad took his final breath. Thursday I had my class covered again by friends at co op so Dave and I could make my dad’s arrangements. We spent the day going from funeral homes, to cemeteries, to his memory care unit to clean out his things, to the florist etc.  

On Monday night Annika had her opening night and I was able to attend. This week I spent handling my dad’s funeral details and attending Annika’s final performances. It was certainly not how I expected things to go. It was surreal to be laughing at Annika’s antics on stage in the evenings after spending the days working on the details of dad’s memorial service. Even the placement of these photos on the blog feels so odd. Photos of Annika having a grand old time in her fun, silly play among the paragraphs about my dad's passing and funeral. It seems odd and not right, disrespectful somehow, but that's exactly how it felt to live it. 

The following Friday was my dad’s service. It was a nice service. It was small, out at the National Cemetery. He had military honors and the bugler played Taps. I think he would have been pleased.

There was not really a lot of time to think too much about my dad’s passing or really process it even. I know this will catch up with me soon. But next up was May. In May there is no time for mourning or reflecting. May is always a crazy month and when you have a senior, it’s even crazier.

I had stressed out kids taking make or break finals, kids who are grieving over the loss of a grandfather. There were senior honors banquets, and last days, and final good byes and finally…Graduation and the graduation party. Annika and her cousins Martyn and Ian have been at the same co op since they were in elementary school. They’ve been in the same Sunday schools all the way through. And now they’re graduating together.

The party was a rousing success. I think (hope) they felt loved and celebrated. I won’t go into the graduation and the party too much here, that’s going to need its own post.

The Sunday after the graduation and party I did not leave the house. Heck, I did not get out of my PJs! I rested with my feet up!

Today is Monday and now it’s time to get back to life. One of our main A/Cs and our dryer died the day before graduation (because, of course they did) so now it’s time to deal with that. June is already filling up with doctor and dentist appointments that we’ve been putting off and Annika will be getting her wisdom teeth out before her job as a life guard starts his summer. Ev is already deep into May term and summer classes, Gunnar’s working and planning his wedding with Kaytlin, Bryce and Haleigh are doing well, we see them often. We have family dinner on Thursdays and play cards or watch a movie after. It’s nice to get to see them at least once a week.

Time marches on. It’s filled to the brim with the busyness of my people. For the first time in 21 years I will not be spending the summer preparing for fall homeschooling and teaching at co op. I’m officially retired. Instead I will be spending the summer going through 21 years of curriculum and downsizing our bookshelves and dealing with my dad’s estate, or what’s left of it.

It’s a time of transition here at our home. Gunnar will be moving out this summer. We’ll be redecorating and cleaning out the girls’ rooms turning them from homeschooled kid’s rooms to something more appropriate for busy college students who need a quiet place to study.

Last school year did not look one bit like I thought it would. Not one bit. It was full of lasts and good byes and heartache, but also joy and happiness and such promise for the future. I’m so incredibly proud of my kids and what they have accomplished, but mostly of who they are. Who they are choosing to be. They’re awesome human beings and I would want to know them and be friends with them even if they were not my children. That’s how amazing they are.

I’d like to take the credit for that, but I do not deserve it. Yes, I did my best as a parent and I did some things right and some things wrong, but they’re all adults now. They chose who they want to be. They chose every day to follow God’s desire for them or not. It’s that simple. They are choosing to be men and women of God and I am so very humbled and grateful God gave me these 4 to call my children.

I don’t know where the next few years will take me. There is a giant question mark there, but I am not worried. I know God has a plan for me and I’m excited to see what it will be. 

Grief And The Could-Haves And Should-Haves

My dad passed away at 2:26 AM, Wednesday, April 12^th. I received the phone call telling me this at 3am. His passing was not a surprise; my sister and I lingered at his hospital until late into the night expecting that he would go at any minute. We didn’t want him to be alone. Eventually exhaustion won out and we left him in the care of the wonderful night shift nurse who set up her little computer station right outside his door.

To be honest, that’s the way it’s been with my dad and his illness. I have felt like I missed the mark by just a little bit in almost every way. He slipped into Alzheimer’s disease before any of us really noticed. Dad was always a very independent man who took care of his own things. He came down to visit from Kansas a couple of times a year, then once a year, then his visits stopped altogether. We all assumed it was because his eyesight was getting bad and he didn’t want to drive anymore. That’s what he told us. In reality I think Alzheimer’s was already starting to do its insidious, destructive work in his brain.

We still talked on the phone regularly and he seemed okay. My family went and visited him in KS a couple of times. It was difficult because his house was very small so we could not stay there and hotels were expensive. We didn’t go as much as we should have.

We all started to notice he was asking the same questions over and over on the phone. We began to worry. Then the phone calls started; from his brother who lives near-by, worried he was no longer leaving the house, from my brother worried he was not acting right, and then finally the car accident where he ran a stop sign and hit someone. We knew it was time. In fact, we’d waited too long.

My sister, mom, and myself went up to take him to the VA doctor, and to try and see a lawyer and find out how to get the ball rolling to get him some help. It was such a strange trip because it was not quite what we expected. Things actually seemed okay. The house was clean, my dad looked good, he didn’t seem too confused that day, at least not to the degree I’d expected. We must have hit on a good week. We got some of the appointments done and had a fairly nice time with my dad. It was an odd day to be sure.

We didn’t get everything accomplished that day that we needed to so Dave and I went back up a couple of weeks later. This is a trip I will never forget. Dave and I showed up that morning after getting up at 4am to make the 6 hour drive. We told Dad we were coming to help him get some paperwork done. Our goal that day was to get my name on his bank account and legal documents, to see an Elder Care lawyer (our first trip to the lawyer had not gone well), and to take him to a doctor’s appointment at the VA.

When Dave and I came in the door he was sharply dressed, just like he always had been. He was a Marine after-all. His dress pants were nicely creased. His collar shirt was properly tucked in and his pants were belted with the same quality leather belt that matched his favorite loafers. However, his clothes were stained and had clearly not been washed in some time, he had not shaved or bathed in a while either. I was looking right into the face of Alzheimer’s and it was like a punch to the gut. It was so very clear my dad needed help and where had I been? I didn’t go visit him enough. I could have gone more.

Thus began the new normal with my dad. With the help of a very good Elder Care Lawyer here in DFW we managed to get all of his affairs in order and get him moved to DFW and into a Memory Care unit. He was in three different facilities while he was here. The first was a wonderful place that I wish we could have left him but he ran out of money for it. We knew that would be the case eventually as it is with all long-term care patients. While he was there I would go visit him pretty regularly. Friday they had ice cream and dad really liked that so my girls and I, or sometimes just myself would go there and sit with him and eat ice cream. I tried to make my way there at random intervals and times. I didn’t go visit him there enough. I could have gone more.

In his second home I visited him even less. It was over an hour away from my house. We moved him to a facility up nearer my mom and sister. It promised to be a good place and when we moved him in, it seemed to be. It seemed like a happy place with lots of activities and kind people. My mom had a little more time on her hands then and my sister was nearby and they were able to spend more time with him there. While he was in this place he got an infection, which is common in the elderly, and lost a many abilities. He lost most of his language, going down to about 5 or 10 phrases. He lost his ability to walk, and I don’t think he recognized any of his family after that infection. Unfortunately, his level of care also declined in the year he was there. I’m not sure what happened. I suspect a change in management because I noticed the amount of people there, staff and residents, began to dwindle. Eventually it became clear he was not getting proper care so we began the search for a better place. I did not go visit him there enough. I could have gone more.

We moved him to a place near me and I am happy to report that his care there was excellent. I got to know the people there by name and they knew mime. I brought them treats and said thank you repeatedly for all the work they were doing for my dad. They were on top of his health and called me every time there was even the slightest problem. He was happy there. My mom worked hard to get him a specially made wheelchair and it was very fancy. He received it shortly after he arrived in this new facility and the workers there called it his Bentley. He was ‘Donald, the man in the Bentley’. That made me happy. They never left dad in his room but got him up every day and put him in his Bentley and put him out in the main area where all the action was. He seemed to like to be a part of the action. The Activities Coordinator always took him in the room when they were doing the various activities that she’d planned even though he could not participate. It was good for him to be near the action. I’m grateful for the loving care they gave him there.

Because this place was so near me and on a main street I passed several times a week I was able to see him more. I had a set time, Thursday mornings, when I would go visit him. I would take him to a quiet corner or outside if the weather was nice, or sometimes if I were a bit later I’d sit and eat lunch with him and a couple of other residents. At first we’d talk, or rather I’d talk at him. He never really responded but he seemed to like to the company. Eventually I started reading to him. It felt awkward for me to always say the same things to him, or to talk and talk with no input from him, so I began reading him The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. I never read these as a child (I KNOW!) so I thought it would be nice to do with dad. He seemed to enjoy me reading to him. He would calm down and not fidget. He would still his hands and seemed to just listen to me read. I did voices and everything. Sometimes I’d get odd looks from passers-by until they got close enough to see I was reading, but I didn’t much care. Dad seemed to like it. Even though I was able to see dad much more at this place it still did not feel like enough. I could have gone more.

I was on the way to teach my classes when I got the call from the nursing home saying he was being taken via ambulance to the ER for breathing problems. Turns out, his nurse noticed he was aspirating and had begun coughing. She did not even call the doctor as is policy, but instead called 911 to come get him right away, then called the doctor. I called my administrator and asked her to cover for me at school, that I wasn’t coming that day…15 minutes before I was due to teach. I’m so thankful for understanding friends who covered for me for two weeks so I could be there for my dad!

When I got to the ER there were a lot of people in the room and a lot going on. I’ll spare you all the medical details, but to say he was altered would be an understatement. I had been to see him on Monday and it was Thursday and he was so different. It happened so fast. He was mostly unresponsive, he was only responding to pain stimuli, (grabbing at them when they gave him IVs etc).

Once they got him stable they got him up to a room. I stayed very late that first night then ran home to sleep for a few hours when the nurse said he was stable and it’d be okay to do that. I got back up there on Friday early so I would be sure not to miss his doctor. Friday was The Day Of Tests. Poor dad. So many tests; sonograms, EKGs, CTs, blood tests, Swallow tests, and on and on it went. On Friday night when Dave and I were there his heart did some odd things and it initiated a Rapid Response. Kind of like what you see on TV. Suddenly the nurse came in and turned on the lights and said their monitors out at the desk were indicating his heart was struggling and they needed to respond. I reminded her that he had a DNR and she said they were aware. They would not re-start it if it stopped.

Dave and I sat back and watched as the room quickly filled with about 10 to 12 people and they hooked him up to an EKG machine and pushed various medications to get his heart back into a proper rhythm. Eventually they got it back but the whole experience left me feeling uncomfortable. Why did we just do all that? Was there even any hope of him getting better? Knowing what I know now and knowing my dad and what he would want, I wish I’d stopped them. He didn’t need to go through that.

Saturday all the test results started to trickle in and none of it was good. He had several health issues going on in addition to the aspiration pneumonia that brought him to the hospital and none of them were really treatable. He’d been on several very heavy antibiotics to fight the pneumonia and instead of helping he became septic. Even if we could somehow manage to make those antibiotics work on the sepsis and pneumonia, he had some newly discovered issues that were unfixable. He was not a candidate for surgery. After talking to the family we decided to discontinue treatment and put him on hospice. That was one of the hardest, right decisions I’ve ever made.

By Saturday night we had him off of all the medicines they were giving him. They were now focusing on helping him to stay comfortable.  The hospice people told us that he would likely go quickly, probably Sunday. Dad was never one to do as he was told so he managed to hang around for 3 more days. During those three days all the family came up to say their good-byes. My mom and sister and I spent a lot of time just talking and laughing around his bed. Maybe he lingered because he enjoyed our conversation. 

Eventually, on Tuesday night it became clear it would be imminent. His heart beat was very, very slow and erratic. My sister and I lingered late that night. We didn’t want him to be alone. It was a more subdued evening. Not as much laughing and joking. We were so very tired, and we both knew in our spirits that this would be our last hours with dad. When we finally decided to go home and rest, we said our goodbyes. They were simple, not drawn out. Every time we’d left his hospital room we knew it could be the last, but something was different about this time and I think we both felt it. He passed that night at 2:26 am. I wish I would have stayed. I wish I would have been there when he passed to hold his hand and say comforting words to him, but my timing was off, as it feels like it has been during this entire process.

Losing a loved one seems chock full of could-haves and should-haves. I think those feelings are part of grief itself. I could have had my dad move in with me, quit all my other responsibilities, and never left his side and I can almost guarantee you I would still be wading my way through the could-haves and should-haves. I am grateful for the last year I had with him. I am grateful he was close and I was able to not only have my scheduled time, but also pop in for 5 or 10 minute visits here and there throughout the week. I am going to focus on that, what I did do and what I did have and try to learn from it and let go of the could-haves and the should-haves.

I’ll miss you dad. I am so glad you are at peace and your mind and body are once again whole.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelations 21:4 

These Kids Today...

I was out shopping at Payless today looking for some plain white flats for Spring. (Y'all, they do not exist! I mean, they do if you want to pay upwards of $60 for them, but I just wanted some cheep ones for one season for church. I'm not going to run a marathon in them or anything. Sheesh!)

Luckily for you, the lack of affordable white flats is not the subject I want to talk about today. I want to talk about kids these days.

I was chatting with the lady who was helping me with my purchases today and she was saying that she is so disappointed in the kids today. She can't find good help. She said that they rarely want to work and if they do they want the good hours right off the bat, no weekends please and thank you. She said when they do show up they're lazy and don't know how to work hard.

This made me sad because this has not been my experience, and I told her so. I told her that I have 4 kids, 18 and up and they are awesome! And their friends are awesome! I mean, yeah, sometimes I watch the news and worry that we're doomed if this is the group that will be running the country next. Then I remind myself that these kids and young adults I see throwing things through windows in protest of whatever is the next sexy perceived injustice are the small minority. I think they just have the loudest voice. That's not unique to this upcoming group of kids; every generation has their miscreants.

The teens that I see are hard workers. They are relational. They are looking out for each other. They forgive wrongs. Let me digress here for a minute; I've seen this younger generation of girls work through things in a healthy way, maintaining friendships, that I don't think some grown women could do! I'm amazed at the grace they have for each other.

This group of kids gives me hope for our future. I know several who are actively, selflessly, serving in the military, and many who are serving in missions. They're definitely a more globally minded generation. You don't have to tell them to eat their vegetables because there are kids starving in Africa. They know it! (though that knowledge is not always enough to incite them to eat those veggies) Many of them are actively doing something about it.

When I was done waxing on about how awesome my kids and their friends are, the lady at Payless said, "Please send some of those kids my way. THAT'S who I'm looking for!" I think that's the cry from many employers out there.

This millennial generation does things differently, that's for sure, but different does not equal bad. I have a lot of confidence in the ones I know. They're going to do great things.

And if you're looking for a summer job, Payless is hiring.

Book Challenge

While we were camping over Spring Break my niece Kaarin mentioned that she'd recently read Wuthering Heights.

I mentioned that I had not read that one intentionally because I hate sad books. Yuck. Life is sad enough. Why read or watch sad things for entertainment? If you want to be sad all you have to do is watch the news. 

She said that it was not that sad. She said that while it was not a 'happily-ever-after' book it did end well. 

I asked her if she'd read Jane Eyre which is my very favorite book. I love it even more than Jane Austen books. She said she had not, which gave me an idea:

A LITERARY CHALLENGE!

I told Kaarin that if she'd read Jane Eyre, I'd read Wuthering Heights. (Frankly, I think Kaarin got the better end of the deal.) I opened the challenge to the rest of the family and have a few more takers. 

Because everyone is super busy with end of school year stuff and finals coming up etc, the challenge was to have it read before school starts back up in the Fall. That gives all the college kids the summer to get it done. 

The reward, other than the edification you get simply from reading great literature, is a meal at Whataburger for whoever finishes the book in time. 

I better get to reading... 

The Head, It Spins...

I'm entering a strange new phase of life. The baby of the family is graduating high school this May which means my homeschooling days are coming to a swift end. To be honest, they've already ended. She's been taking only college classes this year through the Duel Credit system and has already completed everything for me. She is still working through some Algebra but she has a tutor for that. (Thank the Good Lord Above for her tutor!).

 Senior Pictures by Haleigh at 121 Photography

I am still doing the details of homeshooling. There is the end of the year performances with our homeschooling co op, the year end Gala (prom) and of course, Graduation. I still have some work to do as a homeschooling mom this Spring then I close up shop for good. 

Senior Pictures by Haleigh at 121 Photography

You'd think I would have all this free time on my hands. I remember wondering what I was going to do with myself this school year, concerned that I'd be bored and lonely. HA! Yeah, that has not been the case at all. 

Senior Pictures by Haleigh at 121 Photography

Turns out, having Young Adults, especially when some of them still live in your house, can be quite time consuming. 

Senior Pictures by Haleigh at 121 Photography

We started the school year with a wedding. My oldest got married to the lovely Haleigh in October. It was a beautiful wedding. I was exhausted when it was over and I didn't really even do anything! The venue was so beautiful and of course the Bride and Groom were radiant. 

This is just the immediate family on the groom's side. Haleigh's immediate family is even bigger! 

In November I hosted the entire family (Dave's side) for Thanksgiving. That was a LOT of work but worth it. It was an awesome day. 

I kept thinking, after Thanksgiving I'll have some downtime. Yeah, instead of that, we got a giant tree for Christmas, put it up in the corner of our living room and before we could even get it decorated the hot water heater in the bedroom part of our house leaked and ruined the carpet in all three bedrooms and the hallway. We had to take every possession in three bedrooms, four closets, and a hallway and put them all in the livingroom so we could tear up ALL the carpet, replace all the carpet, then put all the things back that did not get ruined by the water. While it only took me about 2 minuted to type that out, trust me when I say it took significantly longer to live it. 

We manage to get everything put away and the tree decorated the weekend before Christmas. Holy Cow! 

We then celebrated a wonderful Christmas with my side of the family on Christmas Eve at my dad's memory care facility and then my place in the evening, Christmas Day at my sister-in-law's, and Boxing Day at Nana and Oppa's place. It was three full days of festivities. 

I loved every minute of it, but was so ready to just rest. However, the day after Boxing Day I got the cold from the dark-side. I coughed and coughed and coughed. It took about two weeks to recover from that lovely cold, and of course I passed it to the whole family. 

During the time we were all coughing like we were dying of consumption, we had a cold snap here in TX and the pipe over our game room burst and leaked all over! Luckily we were home when it happened and heard it and were able to turn off the water to the house before the ceiling collapsed, but thus began another round of furniture in the wrong place, attic contents all over the garage, insurance claims, and a revolving door of fix it guys coming in and out of my house. 

And if that were not enough, I had an abdominal surgery scheduled for Jan 16, right in the middle of dealing with this mess. (You don't really want the details on this one, I promise, but let's just say no one wants to be coughing after they've had this type of abdominal surgery!)

This surgery came with a 4 to 8 week recovery depending on the invasiveness of the procedure. I took about 6 weeks. That as all I could take because exactly 6 weeks after my surgery my second son asked his girlfriend to marry him!  

We had a party at my house for about 80 to 100 people. Pretty sure I've never hosted that many people in my home ever before. 

That was a wonderful and amazing night. 

 I really won the lottery as far as daughters/daughters-in-laws! I love these girls so much! 

Needless to say, It took a few days to recover from that party. That set me back in my recovery a bit, but not too badly. Which is good because then it was Spring Break and the annual family camping trip to prep for, enjoy, and then clean up after. 

That brings us to today. Here we are in mid March and it's time to plan for the year end production/Gala/Graduation/Graduation Party. Then it's summer and this school year is over.

My head is spinning. This is not at all how I expected this school year to go. I thought I'd have some time to do a few things that I'd been putting off until I had more time. I thought this would be the year I had some of that elusive, 'more time', but it remains elusive. 

So, summer trips will come and go and then guess what we're doing again in October? You guessed it, a WEDDING!! I hope this isn't like that 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie' book because I'm counting on next school year being a little calmer than the last!

Why I Will Show Up Today

 Today I am going to spend some time reading to my elderly father. I am going to go grocery shopping for my family. I am going to do laundry, wipe the dogs feet before I let them in, and pick up and put away random stuff. I’m going to set up the new printer and throw the old one away. I am going to ask my children how their day was when they get home and celebrate their victories with them and commiserate with their frustrations. I’m going to cook my family dinner (but not do the dishes. I’m not crazy. I make the kids do that.)

When my husband gets home I am going to welcome him with a smile and a kiss and thank him for working so hard every day so I can serve our family from home.

I am doing all these things today, just like I do these kinds of things every day, because that is the job I have chosen. This is the job I am blessed to have. It is my joy and pleasure and I would not have it any other way.

I am showing up today because that is what I have always taught my children to do. We show up. Is there a job that needs to be done? Then do it. Don’t look around for someone else to step up. Do it and do it well.

What kind of example would I be if I sat down today? On National Women’s Day? If, to show how much I am worth, I suddenly stopped doing my work?

I am so proud to be a woman. I love being a woman. I love being a mom, a nurturer, the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, but here is the real truth. I do not do this work solely because I love my family (though I do) or because I enjoy keeping a house (though I do). I also don’t think my life as a woman needs to look anything like yours. God has this work for me and I love it. God may have different work for you. You do that work.

I will not stop my work today to prove the point that I am so great and my work is so important, because ultimately I don’t work for man, I work for God; the God who sent his son to die for my sins. Talk about unappreciated. Can any woman on earth complain they’re so unappreciated that they came here perfect and got up on a cross, took up the sins of man and paid for them with their blood, so that the world could be right with God?

I am only one person. I am only one small person. I do not have a grand stage or a loud platform. I’m just a woman who has chosen to be a wife and a mom and a house keeper and a teacher and a follower of Jesus and I try to do my work to the best of my ability, though I often fall short. I will probably not affect many people’s lives, but I do pray that those lives I do touch I affect deeply. 

As Mother Teresa, one of my favorite women and such an example for all people whether you’re a woman or not, said...

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”

That is why I will show up today and every day I have breath. 

Christmas Finally Arrived

Last night we did one of my favorite things from the holidays: decorated the tree and put out Christmas.

We were late in getting this done this year because of the Catastrophic Hot Water Heater Failure of 2016 and its ensuing mess that took over our lives and my living room for 2 weeks.

Picture the huge, undecorated tree standing in the corner of the living room, surrounded by every single thing from three bedrooms and four closets. Yeah. It was as bad as you are imagining. That’s how we started December.

To be honest, when it comes time to trim the tree I am usually a bit grinchy about it. Life is just busy and there is so much stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis that the thought of dragging out MORE stuff makes me feel a bah-humbugish. But once we get started I love it.

I don’t love it because of the stuff, I love it it because of the people. I love it because of the memories attached to almost every piece of that ‘stuff’.

Our tree is not fancy, in fact it’s rather shabby. It’s full of homemade ornaments made by fat sticky little fingers. It’s covered in glued paper crafts and salt dough angles with names written in mirror image by children just learning to write.

Not only is it covered in my family’s memories, it has items from my grandmother (several boxes of glass balls that are from the 50s) as well as many Swedish ornaments given to us by Dave’s mom. I have panted burlap pictures that were Dave’s Swedish grandmothers as well as quilted wall hangings made by my aunt. I have my childhood stocking and many silly ornaments from recent ornament exchanges with my side of the family. Once we get started and I see all this ‘stuff’ it makes me happy because attached to each is a memory of someone I love.

All this is made even sweeter by the fact that the whole family was there to help. Dave and I, the girls, Gunnar and Kaytlin, and even Bryce and Haleigh were able to come over to help. That was a treat. It’s so nice when your kids who are grown and on their own want to come home (and are close enough to do so!). Dave’s mom was also here. The last several years she has joined in on our Christmas tree trimming. I think she misses doing this in her own house. It’s fun to have her because she remembers so many of the ornaments too.

This year our tree trimming party was not fancy. I was gone working or running errands all day and did not get home until almost 5. We had store bought pizza and salad for dinner. We didn’t have cider or hot chocolate or Christmas cookies. There was just no time for that this year unfortunately. But what I did have was my whole little family in my living room decorating the tree and being sassy and sarcastic and laughing and joking and singing to the Christmas music while reminiscing of Christmases past while we prepared for this next coming Christmas.

I know these days are fleeting. The kids will all grow up and move out, get married, and start their own families with their own traditions. I won’t always have every one of them able to come and participate on our family traditions and I know this. I think that is why nights like last night are so special.

I couldn’t love my shabbily decorated Christmas tree any more, because of the hands that put it up and the memories hanging on it.