It's All In How You Look At It

I've been having a flair-up for a few weeks now and it's quite frustrating. I have things I'd like to accomplish and my stupid body is making it quite difficult. It's hard to keep a good attitude when every step hurts. I've had to switch to my smaller RTIC cup because I can't lift my bigger one without pain or fear of dropping it, and I’m walking around with the gait of a 90-year-old woman. 

It would be very easy to have a woe-is-me attitude or be angry and grumpy. (It's a constant fight. Sometimes I do lose that battle and get snippy,  gripey and grumpy. Just ask my family.)

It gets especially hard when I am reminded that I can feel so much better in another state. We spent last week in Arkansas where the dew point was around 17 and I felt better. I am pretty sure I walked without a limp all weak, and I lifted my big RTIC cup without thought. But now I'm back in humid Tx, with its rapidly shifting weather patterns and I'm back to much pain. It's frustrating. Feel good and be away from all my people, or live where my beloved people are and feel awful a lot of the time.  Of course, I chose my people. 

So today, I look at the sign in my bedroom with the quote from G. K. Chesterton: “Here ends another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world around me. Tomorrow begins another day. Why am I allowed two?” and I think on that. I am not living on the street. In fact, I live in a nice home that is air conditioned and heated appropriately. I have hot and cold running water at my fingertips and light at the flip of a switch. I have machines that wash and dry my clothes and dishes. I even have a car with seats that warm up so my bum won’t be uncomfortable on a chilly winter day, and a cold pool of clean water right outside my back door to float in when it is hot outside. These are things that could easily be taken for granted because much of America has them, but not most of the world. Why did God choose to give me these things and not a mud hut in a village in some third world country? What makes me more deserving? A big fat nothing, I can tell you. It’s simply a gift. 

And this is just my physical blessings. This speaks nothing of the people He has put in my life; like my amazing, giving, hard-working husband who is ever-patient with my annoying health. God not only gave me the four most amazing children in the whole wide world, who all love each other, and love the Lord, and work hard, and love well, but he added to that two amazing daughters-in-law who fit like they have always been in this family. They not only fit, but they each add in the thing that the family didn’t even know we were missing before they arrived. I have a grand baby on the way, and the thought of that fills my heart with unspeakable joy. I have an extended family, almost all near-by, who love to get together and spend time with one another. 

So, here I sit in my recliner because my body refuses to do any of the eleventy million things that desperately need to get done today. Instead of getting angry and bitter, or down and sad, I have decided to count my blessings. 

I’ve put the happy citrus smelling oils in my diffuser, brewed up a pot of the good coffee, and chosen to count my blessings and ignore the pain. 

Almost constant aching aside, I live a pretty amazing life. One that is a total gift and not one that I earned. One that I will be ever grateful for. 

Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gifts. 2 Corinthians 9:15

It Is All Bravery

I read the following quote by Bob Goff and it got me to thinking. It got under my skin. Frankly, it made me kind of angry.

You’re probably thinking, ‘Um, why does this bother you? It’s a nice quote about inclusivity.’ And it is. It’s a nice thought and a true thought. We’re all invited to the table. He IS sending us all in invitation.

My problem with this quote is that there is an assumption made that if you’re not living a loud public life of sacrifice, one that takes you to places unknown, exotic and scary, that you’re not at the party. That you’re saying ‘no’ to His invitation. That this author or anyone other than God knows what was in that invitation that He sends to each individual personally, frankly is kind of insulting. That’s quite an assumption to say that those who are at the fences or in the libraries are not already having their own party. Or that God did not send someone to the fences or to  libraries.

Let me speak plainly: we’re not all called to be Christian rock stars. We’re not all called to go to the ends of the earth, to dig wells so people in rural African villages have clean water, to adopt orphan children, to feed the homeless. We’re not all called to write books for the masses or speak from podiums so all the world can hear. Some of us are called by our Creator to stay home and nurture the people He has given us. To teach the ones He has entrusted to us about Living Water. Some of us are called to support in emotional, practical, and financial ways those He did call to adopt orphan children, dig wells in Africa, and feed the homeless. Some of us are called to iron our husband’s shirts so he can make the money to send with the missionaries He has called to go to foreign countries and preach the gospel.

Some of us are called to make friends with our literal neighbors. To cry with them during loss, to bring them actual food. To tell them when their dog got out. Some of us are called to go to work everyday and show our colleges who Christ is, because God loves the guy at the fire station, or at the next computer, or the guy running the saw on the job site just as much as he loves the people on the other side of the world. 

To assume that it is not an act of bravery to say yes to staying home, to being the support, the one who works and sends money, the one who prays, the one who ministers to their literal neighbors, the one who is not in the limelight but instead diligently working in the shadows is insulting.

A life well lived for God is not synonymous with a life lived loudly for God.  It seems our current popular Christian culture is trying to convince us that only grand gesture Christianity is true and honorable. But I submit that there is also so much that is honorable and noble in a quite Christianity, a quiet service. It is not either/or. Those who are quietly going about their work for the Lord are not lesser than those shining brightly out in front.

Doing the job God has given to you is bravery whether it’s making someone else’s life more beautiful, hugging every child that walks through your school’s door, making a warm meal for yout family and any friends they may bring with them, going to another country, digging wells, inviting dignitaries for dinner, or simply attending college classes while listening to His still small voice telling you what your next step is so you can be used by Him to further His kingdom. It is all right. It is all bravery if you are following His will for you. You are attending His party. You are at His table. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

TRUST

For the last many years I have had a word for the year. Some I chose, and some chose me. This year that word is 'trust', and it definitely chose me because frankly, I don’t want it.

As anyone who knows me will attest, I dislike change. Even other people’s change makes me twitchy. This last 18 months I’ve experienced more change than should be allowed and I’m a bit weary from it. And yet I know there is much more coming. It is the stage of life I’m in and it cannot be avoided no matter how much I might wish it so.

My job over the last 26, almost 27 years, has been to be the best wife and mother I could possible be. I stayed home with the kids. I cooked the meals. I washed the clothes. I kept the house. I homeschooled the kids. I taught at the co op. I drove the kids to all the things until they could drive themselves, and then I sat up to make sure they made it home okay. I listened and supported as my husband’s job ebbed and flowed.

I loved it. It is what I wanted to do. It made me happy. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mom. I was never ambitious. I know that is not very PC these days, but it’s the truth. I loved every minute. There were some hard bits, some really hard bits; I don’t want to sound too Pollyanna. Life can be rough. But even in those hard bits, I never felt like I should be doing something else.

So here I find myself after almost 27 years, in a weird place. I’ve written about it before, this In Between place. The kids are either off on their own or almost so. Dave is driving over an hour to work and back every day in traffic. The time has come for a change. A move.

We need to move closer to Dave’s job, but the kid’s lives are here. So sometime in the next year or so we will be moving, probably to the other side of DFW and this time, this move, will be without the kids. I can hardly wrap my head around that. Dave and I will be choosing a home based on what we need and want and not on how it will best fit the family. It feels so odd.

The girls may come with us on this move depending on where we end up and what they are doing at that time, but even if they do move with us it will only be for a little while. They are standing on the edge of the nest, wings outstretched. They will be jumping at any moment.

I don’t mean to sound overly dramatic but I just can’t seem to get my head around what I’m supposed to do now. My health is not such that I can jump back into a career. (I hate this fact. I hate this stupid autoimmune disorder that causes me chronic pain so much, but it is what it is and I don’t have the extra energy to spend fighting this reality. I have made peace with it and I try to live within its confines to the best of my ability.)

As 2017 came to a close with all these things swirling in my head, I kept hearing the word ‘trust’ in my spirit. And any time I hear the word ‘trust’ my mind immediately goes to the verse ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your path.’ Proverbs 3:5-6

It is like He is reminding me to trust Him. That just because my kids are no longer living in my home does not make me no longer a mom. Just a different kind of mom. My work is not finished, just changing. And the biggest thing He is whispering to my spirit is that change is not always bad. Sometime change can be good.

So here I sit, at the beginning of 2018, Trusting God, leaning not on my own understanding, acknowledging Him as the creator of my world and the lover of my soul, and TRUSTING that he will make straight this path into a strange and unknown future.